It’s Valentines’ Day; a day of love for some and an evening of rejecting its significance for others.
Both takes on February 14th are understandable, but rather than philosophise over love and loneliness, allow us at Offie Mag to provide you with some time-sensitive, easily readable and oh so clickable, Buzzfeed-like content.
Here’s what to get your Valentine today from your local offie:
(images via off-licence aesthetic)
1. RED WINE.
Nothing says sexual and sophisticated quite like red wine. No sorry, nothing literally says ‘shexshual and shopishticated’ quite like you and your partner after three glasses of red wine – slurring words and chatting shit. Shiraz, Merlot, Malbec. All words which you know nothing about and nor will it matter after taking advantage of the fact that Barefoot is 2 for 1 literally everywhere.
If you’re lucky enough to know a shop that has a random array of cigars, why not pop in and ask for the cheapest one they do? It’ll taste like an old man, you won’t know how to smoke it and it may fall apart in your mouth, but cigars have been a staple of ‘slightly special occasion’ for decades.
4. GENERIC GREETINGS CARD
Never funny, not cute and always more expensive than you thought it would be before you whacked it on the till, looking somewhat embarrassed whilst doing so.
‘Yes, that’s what I think a good card looks like,’ is what your eyes say as they meet those of the shopkeeper.
“2.99, please,” they’ll say back at you, as you exchange actual currency for a piece of card folded in half.
5. MAGNUM TONIC WINE
This off-licence classic is a remedy. Its branding was deemed illegal in 2012 by some squares out there, for “suggesting an association with sexual success and enhancement of physical capabilities.” But what’s inside the bottle hasn’t changed. Happy Valentines’ Day.