5 England fans you’ll see today

Whether you’re in Russia or Rutland, Maidenhead or Moscow, St. Petersburg or St. Helens, there’s gonna be a load of people shouting about how ‘it’s coming home’ in a few hours – or even now if you’re in a Wetherspoons.

Here are the 5 types of England fan that you’ll see about today, be it through a TV screen or massive projector in a sweaty pub, or even just in front of you in real life.

NUMBER ONE: The football hipster

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This guy loves the 90s so much he’s wearing them. For the most part, these people weren’t even potty-trained when Italia 90 happened but via an eBay search here or a Depop bargain there, they’ve got themselves a wearable relic from the good ol’ days. Drinks one pint of craft beer per 45 minutes.

NUMBER 2: The “TEN GERMAN BOMBERS IN THE AIR” lads

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“Finally, England have reached a semi-final of a World Cup – at least one extra opportunity to exercise my masculinity than in previous years.”

Despite their almost cliche-like booze consumption and laddish behaviour, this is something of a new breed of fan. They love beer. They love chanting. They love Love Island. But, on the surface level they are a throwback to the England fans on tour of years gone by… and what better way to show how old-school you are, than by singing about a war that occurred in the 1940s.

Number 3: The ‘It’s coming home’ Instagram fans

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If they could record every single moment of the match on their Instagram Story then they would. #ItsComingHome

They don’t know who Baddiel and Skinner are or what Euro 96 is, but my word do they know one line of one song. These people didn’t like football three weeks ago but a few Barry Kane goals and eight-thousand memes later and emojis of lions and footballs are all over their bi-hourly Instagram updates.

Number Four: St. George, 56. Brexit voter from Milton Keynes.

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Hates when players don’t sing the national anthem. Thinks footballers should do national service when they play badly.

NUMBER 5: Soho businessmen

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No matter what time of day it is nor what day of the week, these guys are always ‘just out of work.’

Suits still on but sleeves rolled up in order to connote the ‘work hard, play hard’ mentality of these well-spoken blokes, they spend the first-half moaning about the tube and the second-half chuckling about the fine work of Boris Johnson.

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