Congratulations, Fresher, you’ve just delayed adulthood for three years.
For our Weekly Clickbait feature, we’re giving a timely heads up to all the young people and mature students who are starting University this week. It will be a strange time and none of it more surreal than Freshers’ Week, when you’re pitted against hundreds of strangers. Given only Student Union-approved events and alcohol to bond, this first week is the first step on a journey that will eventually see you pay upwards of 60 pounds to wear a weird hat and have your family tell you how proud they are of you.
Here are five things that are coming your way now that you’re a student…
ONE: Freshers’ Week small talk
What do you study? Where are you from?
Nail the answer to these two questions and you’re fine. But if you long to stand out, maybe address the unspoken monotonous nature of these two ice-breakers and establish yourself as the free-thinking mould-breaker who probably went to India on their year out.
2: That whole ‘Uni Lad’ culture ain’t cool anymore, mate
In a time where LadBible was still just a website where people told tales of their Ladism, Uni was about downing drinks and wearing neon in club photos.
However, with the rise of falafel, there has been a shift. Now, those that drink their own piss on a night out really are just weirdos. The new big names on campus are those who can reel off the names of more techno artists than you, rather than those who have a collection of empty beer cans proudly displayed in their bedroom window.
That said, people like this do still have safe space. It will be a Pryzm or an Oceana or one of them similarly decorated, humongous clubs where Mr Brightside plays at the end of the night. Inside is where these types will be, usually wearing togas.
The scourge of many students, this WiFi server that somehow has the ability to be absolutely everywhere on earth, can often let you down when you most need it.
For the most part, it works fine, but for those moments when it doesn’t, expect to know about it. As you switch to 4G to check your Twitter timeline, there’s only one topic that everyone’s talking about.
FOUR: Cooking the same meal, over and over again
Step one: Stir
Step two: Fry
Whatever it is that you make, be sure to dodge the 72 pieces of washing up around your shared sink and make sure that you use the wok that is actually yours from the seven that you and your six housemates own.
5: Estate agents are evil and do not care about you
When you have to live off of campus, prepare to hand over lots and lots of money in exchange for your new mouldy palace.
Treat it as such and don’t even think about using Blue Tac on your walls. That Pulp Fiction poster you got for three quid has just cost £237.86 in deposit charges. As well as costs for all that damage to your temporary home that you didn’t do, you’re also going to pay ‘agency fees’ which cover the costs of the hardship that are a few e-mails and ongoing house viewings whilst you’re trying to take a shit and go about your day in peace.